Christine Lithgow-Smith talks to us about the importance of reflecting

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again….

I’m not old enough to know Simon and Garfunkel so had to Google who sang this incredibly soulful tune that seems to resonate with me so deeply. Paul Simon says he wrote the song when he was 21 years old in the bathroom and turned the lights off to concentrate better. What he didn’t know at the time is that he was tapping into an age-old practise that helps each of unleash the wisdom within: reflection.

My trusted source of Wikipedia also states that Art Garfunkel once stated its intention was to convey “the inability of people to communicate with each other…. especially emotionally, so what you see around you are people unable to love each other.”

The idea that not listening to ourselves can disconnect us from those most important to us terrifies me. When did you last take a break? A real, indulgent, contemplative break just for you.

How reflection can help us to better understand each other

Many of the mystic traditions celebrate the idea of awakening to who we truly are rather than creating or fixing ourselves. The beauty of this is it means there is a wholeness within each of us that, if we allow it to, can awake and unfold. But we have to give it space, and we have to listen to hear what it has to say. That completeness is inside of you waiting to be found. It’s not you as a mother, but as the unique being you are with all the talents you have to offer, and also inside of everyone you meet. Including you partner and your children. This assumption is far removed from the western view of life where we look outside of ourselves for happiness and so often, look in judgement on one another. We hold fast that there is a wrong or a right answer, a measurable impact that matters from the decisions we make: if I just do ‘this’ he or she will be happy, we can please everyone and should look or feel a certain way whilst we do it. So many of us believe that life is a means to an end: if I can just be a size 10 I’ll be happy; if I can just have a bigger house; if my son could pass that exam or my daughter could just do as she’s told. So many ‘should and should nots’, so many judgements, and as I am coming to realise, so much bullsh*t.

I’m not sure if it’s the red wine I am drinking or the sun on my face here in Crete, but the music is with me. Right now, it is Aerosmith “Life’s a journey, not a destination. And I just can’t tell, just what tomorrow brings”. It seems my 16-year-old self who thought she knew all of the answers may well have done. I am trying to remember what day it is let alone what they are! My younger self used to question more. She used to look around her, consider how she felt about things and her own ideas about what she thought. Is it just me that got busy and started to listen to what everyone else had to say and assume they knew better than I did? The wise old 16-year-old me intuitively knew that life is a deeper experience than money, possessions or pleasing people. Yes – we have a desire to belong; yes, as mothers we yearn to protect and teach our little ones, maybe even satisfy our partners and wider family, but what about us? What about you? How are you doing? What do you need? What do you already know that you are avoiding acknowledging? What is yet to unfold from within you?

The answers, my friend, you can find in silence. Reflection isn’t all about catastrophising what went wrong and what you can do better next time. Each of us can benefit immensely by switching off. By taking some time for ourselves; 15, 20, 30 minutes, even an hour to be with ourselves. Some find spending that time in nature works for them; others yoga, meditation or even the repetitive yet hypnotic drum from the treadmill. Whatever it is that works for you. Find it. Take the time.

Look for any sources of frustration

Are you constantly frustrated by your partner shouting at your kid(s)? At the fact your career is over? That your body is not where you want to be. Or maybe it’s deeper than that, do you want to know who you are? Whatever has surfaced for you this summer, and something will have, take some space and time to reflect. Ancient wisdom tells us the answers will come. And they do. Listen. Listen to yourself. To your body, your emotions, your soul. Listen to your feelings and give yourself what you need. Often others can be a mirror into ourselves. If there is a recurring frustration you feel about someone else’s behaviour close to you, or you find yourself in judgement of others. Take some silent time and ask: what does that tell me about me? Try writing down your thoughts and then ask yourself what does that tell me about me? Keep repeating until the true the answer comes. You’ll know when it does.

You’ll be surprised at what answers, questions and potential lay deep within you.

Scientists have confirmed that our brain is not just in our minds; it spans our heart and gut too. Each area is interlinked. Our whole lives we’ve been taught to listen to our brains and, by that, we meant mind: what’s in our heads. Isn’t it about time you paid attention to the whole of yourself? Don’t you deserve your own attention at least?

Once you’ve found it, that tiny, quiet voice that comes out when it thinks no-one is listening, don’t lose it. Trust it. Trust the wisdom. Trust yourself. Only then can you start to truly embrace the concept of a life well lived and begin to relish the peace it can bring.